Hello! My name is Marc and I am seeking gainful employment with a struggling, morally questionable corporation more concerned with the almighty dollar than keeping the client, one that boasts a far-reaching, disingenuous mission statement; a company waste-high in lawsuits that can best utilize my distaste for authority and desire to get “paid more for doing less.” You know the type of job that people say monkeys can do? That. That is what I’m looking for.
I am an exquisitely clever man. Cunning. Crafty. No doubt you will be impressed with the variety of ingenious ways with which I will endeavor to cut corners and sweep problems under the rug!
If you are looking for someone who is self-motivated and persistent, I’m your guy! Like when my dealer is out of town and I shakily ask around on the streets for some blow, or how I keep tabs on my exgirlfriends. Watching… waiting…
Moreover, I am a substantially attractive man (physically) and am not averse to trysts with the client, coworkers, or your cleaning woman Juanita, who I hear puts out if you but dangle the term citizenship (now there’s a fine piece of tail, eh? Mamasita!).
I enjoy creating a relaxed, comfortable environment for all my colleagues. Like how I make ribald racist jokes to keep everyone laughing, or compliment women on their breasts and asses. They love this. (Even when I don’t verbalize the flattery, my lecherous, hungry gazes are usually indication enough!) People show their gratitude by coming up with silly, endearing nicknames for me, like Shyster, Dead Beat, and Jackal, just to show me I am one of them. Ha ha! (ps. Please note these are my nicknames, not to be confused with my aliases.)
You are probably wondering if I can multitask. I am happy to respond in the affirmative… And how! Why, practically every night I find myself juggling my raging alcoholism, crippling methamphetamine habit, and devastating self-hatred, yet still find time to download illicit pornography and verbally abuse my baby’s momma. No small feat!
I am a BIG fan of diversity in the workplace, and I look forward to working with a vast array of people within a variety of races, religions, lifestyles and political affiliations.*
I’m very flexible when it comes to my schedule. Sometimes I might arrive for work on time, while others I might stagger in hours late, barely coherent, wearing the same rumpled clothes that I had on the last time you saw me and emitting a strange odor that will seem to be a cross between cheap perfume, alcohol, and some other, vaguely chemical scent. This will usually be after one of my famed 48-72 hour benders, which fortunately I keep restricted to only the first and third weekends of the month. **
Don’t be alarmed by my absence of relevant job experience (or curious lack of a work history altogether). I can assure you that I have had/pulled many jobs, it’s just that on the advice of counsel it is evidently in my best interest to omit them from this missive. Oh, and please do not contact my references. But if you must, bear in mind that these are outrageously hilarious people who will feign confusion, like they don’t even know me. Kooks!
Obviously, I will expect a salary that is grossly inconsistent with the level of work that I accomplish.
I look forward to hearing from you!
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*Except Jews, blacks, gays, Hispanics, women, Catholics, Poles, Arabs, Asians, republicans, democrats, libertarians, Muslims, Scientologists, lesbians, Baptists, Indians (both real and the tribal ones), senior citizens, agnostics, the disenfranchised, fatties, retards, vegetarians, freaks, Mormons (or is that redundant!), do-gooders, go-getters, depressives, intellectuals, bisexuals, children, extroverts and people who are left-handed.
**And second and fourth.
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